Love is pain. Agony Aunt-Major Barbara passes the morphine.
Dear Aunt-Major,
I've been going out with this girl for a few weeks now. We get on really well, but she keeps asking me to do things I don't want to do, such as have conversations with her, or not call her 'bitch'. If I keep saying no I'm afraid she'll leave me. What should I do?
It's-My-Body of Sunderland
Perhaps she's not the right person for you. If she loves you, she should respect your feelings. It's very important to have respect in a relationship, and it sounds like this bitch ain't givin' you none.
Dear Aunt-Major,
For a while now I've suspected I'm not... normal. The Fist pin-ups don't move me at all, and I get these urges. Like when I'm at the swimming pool, I want to use the sauna. Also I like the music of Jean Sibelius a bit too much, and have a fondness for the romantic architectural style of Saarinnen, Sonck and co. I think I - I might be Finnish. What should I do?
Confused of Wichester
Kill yourself; it would be a kindness. Better still, go to the nearest De-Finning Centre/The Leader's Meaty Chunks Factory (with bone marrow). Millions of young boys are going through the same things as you, but they live in Finland.
Dear Aunt-Major,
I am a sweet and innocent girl. A month ago I was seduced by an ex-soldier who I later learned had been expelled from the Leader's army for being Finnish. It seems his semen were potent, and that dishonourable discharge has left me with child. Can you help me?
Defiled of Wessex.
For you, and others in your position, the Fist has put together the following DIY abortion guide*:
Hold your nose and get a friend to punch you in the stomach.
Repeat if necessary.
Dear Aunt-Major,
I have been happily married under The Leader's guidance for two years. My husband and I are very close and have never had any problems, but a week ago he suggested we should perhaps have more open minds, and sees other opinions as well as The Leader's. Should I kill him?
Mrs Uncertain of Blooming Gillingsworth
No need. I passed your letter on to the Leader's secret police. By now, your husband will already have sufferred a freak yachting accident, if he hasn't in fact been air-brushed out of existence altogether (not a nice way to go - the paint gives intense headaches before your lungs clog).
Aunt-Major Barbara says: Love is war. Did I watch my buddies die face down screaming in the mud for this?
Love is pain. Agony Aunt-Major Barbara passes the morphine.