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Mika Hakkinnen
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Kill a Reactionary - Win a Capri
This week's lucky winner is ten year old Lucy from Kent. She successfully beat her teacher, Mr Saarinen, age 42, to death with a board eraser.
"I knew he was a reactionary," she told the Fist, "When he said 'Beige is a boring colour, it's nice in theory but impractical and unrealistic.'"
In fact, Eliel Saarinen was a notorious Finnish architect who had evaded justice for many years. For her devotion to the cause and skill with a blunt instrument, Lucy wins herself a sleek red Ford Capri, which will be held in trust for her until her 17th birthday. Her classmates are being treated for jealousy.


It's tough going here in the heart of capitalism. Our recruitment drive for the new year, 'We'll shoot you if you don't join', failed when no-one in the city noticed. Plus we lost some street cred when one of our teams got beaten up by a chasidic gang. Yet whilst our progress is slow, it is unstoppable. Our latest victory was forcing the Catholic 24-hour confession line Dial-A-Priest to shut down by bombarding it with collect call blasphemy.
   - John Doe, Secretary of the USA Party

The elephants were restless again last night. Maybe the heat and the jungle are getting to them too. We pushed deeper upriver today. Watkin's fever is getting worse. He was still conscious in the morning, but by tea-time he was raving. He was quite pale. The sweat stood out on his forehead and his eyes darted from side to side. We couldn't carry on, so we had to leave him behind. Another good man lost on this expedition. The first was Hibbard, snatched away by a crocodile. Then Roberts in the quicksand; he'd gone off for a slash. Horton was struck by a dart as we canoed into Moss Side territory last week. We later found out that the local tribe used darts tipped with asparagus. He sank the enitre canoe. None of them resurfaced. We met the tribe responsible the next day; Withers stepped into one of their traps and was swung up screaming in a net where he was speared instantly . They would have killed us all, except they took Beauchamp for a god. He decided to stay behind with the tribe, and they cooked 3 of us in a feast in his honour. I can still hear their screams as the seasonings were added to the pot. We found Egger drained dry of blood one morning; the mosquito that did it is still out there. Then Zabelov to the python, McKay to the tiger... That makes 17 we've lost on this expedition. There's only me and Doherty left, and he no longer knows where or who he is. I may have to eat him soon; our supplies are running low. Bread:2 loaves left, Water:1 bottle; worst of all we've only one six pack of beer. I will give this letter to one of our guides to carry back tomorrow. If I don't make it... just go on into the glorious new era without me. This is Comrade Dan, Commander of the mission to the northern wilderness.
The Fist received this report at the beginning of the week. A relief party was dispatched immediately with beer and pringles, but there was no sign of Comrade Dan. We fear he is now a dead man.