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Mika Hakkinnen
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The Fist Fingers.... Mika Hakkinnen

In a new series of damning exposés, the Morning Fist picks out those who have most to fear from the just wrath of the Revolution.

Mika Hakkinnen in 1998 stunned the world by snatching the world Formula One crown from Britain's own Reverend Davis Greece (Fiesta Diesel) - himself cruelly denied the right to enter by the corrupt garlic-eaters who control the 'sport'. It is sufficient insult to the People that this Finn, who is known to creep on his belly like a worm, should have placed his leprous hands on the trophy - but he has more than this for which to answer.

The Fist has discovered that Hakkinnen (real name Sancho the Bastard) is the moving force behind such atrocities as the influenza pandemic of 1919-20, and the death of Petra the Blue Peter dog. In the latter case, he may have been instrumental in recruiting the known Finnish agent and child-abuser John Noakes.

Through murky connections to the Vatican-sponsored organisation Opus Fungi, Sancho personally caused the Wall Street crash, after which millions of people died and Hitler was raised to the throne of Germany.

Nowadays such grand plans are set aside in favour of heading the more routine torture and germ weapons divisions of the Finnish secret police, CodPo. The screams that issue from the basement of his granite fortress in Helsinki are those of the barely pubescent girls he impregnates and then rips limb from limb after they have stumbled, blind and gravid with his spawn, for months in his caverns.

The FIST says: If we are wrong, let him sue.

Hakkinnen: "Bear shit grants me godlike powers"