To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing as a referee for Mark, who would like to work for someone. I feel that he would be both well suited for, and would gain from the experience of, having a job. This is not a sealed reference, but since Mark cannot read that doesn’t matter.

Mark is more than a beast and only slightly less than a man. I am confident that, with a little patience, some sense can be beaten into him. Though to be honest, we’ve beaten him pretty hard without any results yet.

Although his constant need for raw meat to fuel his overcharged metabolism is a little unsettling at first, it should not be allowed to obscure his true worth, and in time many come to find it just another of his charming eccentricities (just don’t let him near any cats).

Mark himself is not aware of his true parentage; his foster parents have hidden it from him all his life. However, I can reveal that he is in fact the son of a low class crack-addled Kings Cross whore and a hunchbacked defrocked priest. He has his father’s spirit in him, which was whiskey, before he switched to meths; before the fall.

Mark is currently at Cambridge, where he earns a crust wandering through the town with a piece of string round his neck and a sign on his back which simply reads ‘abandoned’. In the summer months he rents himself out to tourists as a punt pole, a post at which he excels. I have known Mark for three years. In that time I have come to appreciate his almost godlike abilities to create mess, disorder and civil strife.

Although I cannot comment on his academic abilities, if they’re anywhere near his drinking and whoring, then he’s your man. He may not be intelligent, but he makes up for this with a vast lycra-filled wardrobe and ruthless scheming.

In short, he would be an asset to any company that doesn’t practice asset stripping, and I hope you will give serious consideration to his application.

Yours Sincerely,

His Parole Officer