SIXTH EDITION   MONDAY 19th APRIL MORNING FIST Date Rape The Fist Fingers... Ronald Reagan Page 3 Pinup Travel Section Crossword & Chess Problem How can I fight?

Travel Column
This week's revolutionary holiday destination is BEIRUT.
Beirut has long been ignored by the tourist industry, but for the left-wing adventurous, it offers a host of opportunities. Sahara Beach 006 reports.

Beirut is an inspiring city; it truly deserves the name of 'Sarajevo of the East'. Accommodation is cheap - I stayed in a water-logged shell crater for just 5 cents a week, and for the price of an uzi magazine you can have an appartment suitable for a whole family! (3ft x 3ft - you have to self-kill the family) The opportunities for meeting interesting local fanatics and killing them are wonderful. The Fist can especially recommend the Islamic-Jihad-For-The-Obliteration-Of-The-Capitalist-Infidel Club as a lively nightspot. The Chechen DJ does requests and the hits just keep on coming! We also recommend the Lebanese Table Tennis Federation as a good place to meet up with fellow hate-filled paddle-wielding psychopaths.
Be sure to visit the city markets. They're full of local charm, and you can find some real bargains. Katyushka rockets and nearly new AK47s make lovely souvenirs, and spare kidneys are a wonderfully different present.

Getting There: Most airlines fly to Beirut International (BEY) when a gun is held to the pilot's head. From London to Beirut is 4 hours 40 minutes, well within range of any trans-atlantic/middle-east/far-east flight. The airport is 10 miles south of the city; taxi services are available.

The luxurious international terrorist suite at the Othon Palace Hotel.

INTERNATIONAL ROUND UP
ELEVENTH-CENTURY SPAIN
Revolution is progressing well in al-Andalus. The civil war that began with the fall of the `Amirid dictatorship has engulfed the old Umayyad Caliphate. Taking advantage of the confusion, the local Party has set up a revolutionary state in the port of Denia. Having built beige minarets using a Syrian square-towered design unusual in the Maghreb during this time for the express purpose of glorifying al-Liyyda, we veiled mingers and forced reactionaries to wear stupid turbans with joke arrows through them. Since then we have composed endless courtly poetry in celebration of al-Liyyda, and fought small wars against the Finnish-backed Zirid dynasty of Granada. Our only regret is that we will be conquered by the Abbadid regime in Seville in a few decades and utterly wiped out, but this is a small setback which will only strengthen the Party here.
`Abd ar-Rahman ibn Mustafa al Nasir billah al-Mumin'in, Secretary to the Soviet of Emirs.

REPORT FROM PARIS
Professor H., one of our men in France, has known no rest since the Leader's call for the crushing of the effeminate Gaul, bedmate of the buggering Finn, reached him in his Paris dacha hideout. Professor H., a notorious pedagogue wanted by anti-Revolutionary forces, successfully infiltrated the education system, and has already got to setting the impressionable youth entrusted to his care onto the righteous path of the onward-marching Fist. The study of Racine, Rousseau and other such French faffery has been wiped clean from the syllabus- students now enthusiastically undertake exegesis of 'Le Poing Matinal', smuggled into the country by specially trained geese, and they vie with one another in producing philosophical proofs of the Leader's omniscience and imperturbability, in Greek. Or Sankskrit. Students are encouraged spontaneously to sing the praises of the Leader in complex verse-forms, and those proffering unworthy contributions are bullied ruthlessly by their peers. The Revolution has spread even into the humble school canteen, where students sniff at boeuf bourguignone and such bland fare, and fast until their demands for genetically-revolutionised Leader chunks and tripe products are satisfied. Rather than returning to the warm hearth of the family home at the day's end, they opt to attend training camps, where they learn to cock a snook at the Finn and his sleazy pals. Similar units are already in operation throughout this bastard land, which our gracious Leader has mercifully adjudged not beyond help. From such small seeds as those planted by Professor H. will one day grow a mighty oak of Justice to shower the reactionary infidel with acorns of