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 | FIFTH EDITION | | MONDAY 15th FEBRUARY |
| MORNING FIST |
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INTERNATIONAL ROUND UP
CAMBRIDGE
Cambridge has been selected as the first place to put into practice the Leader's policy of Intellectual Collectivisation. Under this scheme lecturers will work together for the good of all. Small research fields will be combined, allowing more efficient research to be produced by increased use of tractors. The professors (first or 'upper' class intellectuals) will be stamped out to achieve equality.
Elsewhere in academia this week, Oxford announced a new course in Political Silence.
LEADERGRAD
The Leadergrad Soviet passed a motion of no confidence today, saying the people had lost the trust of the party. The people of Leadergrad will now be dissolved, and a new people elected. The move follows bread riots and a bloody cheese riot in the city centre last month.
Professor Hengelshusser-Hunt:
"If America did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it."
VENICE
"Venice," the local Commissar proudly told the first post-revolution Communist International, "now has more factories than Manchester."
Under The Leader's benevolent rule, what was once a playground for the rich has been transformed into a working city once again. The people here praise him as 'The Smogmaker'.
A guided tour followed during which we passed a school playground where some kids were playing Follow The Leader. They set up a collective farm, industrialised their toys and drafted a five year plan, then singled out a boy to be Finnish and executed him. It was an uplifting moment for all the delegates. The Swedish delegate expressed it best, I feel.
"We fight for the children, because only the children understand." he said, before choking up with emotion (and pollution), and coughing himself into a coma.