FIFTH EDITION   MONDAY 15th FEBRUARY MORNING FIST Food Fight Mother's Section Page 3 Pinup The Fist Fingers... Karl Marx International Round Up The Reverend Reports How can I fight?

A boy always feels betrayal when he discovers that his uncle is a feral cannibal lunatic. So it is with The Fist, retching the bitter taste of an old revolutionary from our mouth. It has long been known that Marx' own view of Revolution was inaccurate and dull. But at least he tried.

Or so we thought. It is now all too clear that Marx was the original splittist wrecker. Far from inventing the colour red, he actually tried to prevent its introduction when its use was first pioneered - by none other than The Leader. His constant sniping and grumbling also impeded the development of ideas such as Justice and frottage. At parties, Marx would frequently eat all the good munchies first, stop the music right in the middle of the best track of a CD and deliberately knock over the Twister spinner during tense matches. When he died in 1883, only Celine Dion mourned him because everyone else had realised he was a bastard.

What nobody knew at the time, however - and what we have only recently discovered - was that Karl Marx did not want a new order at all. Had his revolution succeeded, he would have proclaimed the so-called 'Caliphate of Twang', ruling from his country-and-western music studio in Helsinki, with Garth Brooks as his queen.

Karl Marx: "A stone head on a repulsive turtle body"

The Fist Says: If we are wrong, let him sue.