THIRD EDITION   MONDAY 1st FEBRUARY MORNING FIST Leader leader January Purge Page 3 Pinup Peace In Our Time? The New Literature The Fist Fingers... Tom Hanks The Need for Porn Birmingham Update How can I fight?

Our series of exposes continues this week with the grim truth behind Hollywood's golden boy.

Tom Hanks, Mr Nice, right? Wrong. The Fist can now reveal that Hanks is a merciless murderer heavily involved in drugs smuggling, organized crime, political corruption, prostitution, and numerous parking offences. Hanks is in fact merely a cover; his real identity is Arselika 'the Snake' Twaat, a Finnish secret agent.
Yes, Hanks is Finnish. His real birthplace was a radioactive slimepit in Finland, and not Arkansas as he normally claims. Extensive plastic surgery hides his origins, but when he removes his contact lenses, his true nature shines out from his shrivelled evil eyes.

It was Hanks, who apparently fights like a girl, that manned the iceberg which hit the Titanic - no 'accident'. More heinously, he put up the money (through a variety of front organisations including the Klu Klux Klan) for the movie Titanic.

All this is small fry to the man who once sold out the Spanish Republic to General Franco for the price of a hamburger. He has converted his estate in Hollywood into a haven for outcast scientists. Every day, children and local democrats are led into the Hanks laboratories. None of them ever come out again.
Last year he was spotted in Cambodia. The Fist has reason to believe that he acquired the genitalia of Pol Pot on that trip. Now the scientists under his command labour day and night to resurrect the eastern tyrant.
At night, the grounds echo with the plaintive bleating of the goats he keeps in his basement and sodomises brutally.

Hanks: acid for blood

The FIST says: If we are wrong, let him sue.

Finn Shame

Following last week's The Fist Fingers... Mika Hakkinnen did indeed serve The Fist with a writ on grounds of defamation of character.

We are pleased to announce that The Fist was entirely exonerated. Lord Justice Galtieri of Strathbastard, summing up, noted "Mr Hakkinnen, you are a louse in the pudendal fuzz of justice".

To complete the festivities, the First Secretary to The Fist's Soviet of Editors unleashed a dazzling stream of urine from the dock which triumphantly doused the fascist and his collaborator attorneys.