 | THIRD EDITION | MONDAY 1st FEBRUARY | ||||||||||
| MORNING FIST | ||||||||||||
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Leader dominates World Economy
With only a few weeks passed since The Leader allowed himself to be traded on world markets, analysts are awestruck by his strength. Already The Leader is more valuable than all other things put together, and doubling in real terms every eight minutes.
Since the launch of The Leader, complex revolutionary financial instruments have been used to demoralise national currencies, such that now all economies are linked to his performance. The dollar was heavily chided and, despite the efforts of the Federal Reserve to buoy it with sweets, has been rendered frankly gloomy. The Yen, already low in self-esteem after months of financial jibes in the pre-Leader period, is being talked down from a ledge, while the Euro has slunk into the ECB building and won't come out, for fear of a further kicking.
To the delight of all people everywhere, the Finnish Markka is dead, apparently at its own hand. It has been given a pauper's grave in a bin.
Early fears of a global financial 'meltdown', if rampant demand for The Leader
should outstrip supply, were allayed when The Leader declared that there was enough for everybody for all time. Paradoxically, the announcement only seemed to whip trading to new heights as more and more clamoured for his monetary healing.
The IMF and World Bank, now renamed respectively the International Monetary Fist and the Beige Institute for Leader Acclamation, have welcomed the sea-change in economic relations. Their executive committees celebrated the occasion by dying peacefully in their beds of natural causes, apparently related to glee.
Elsewhere in this week's Fist:
Pope hockey slaying: "...He came at us like a vengeful blender".
